i left my heart

everything reminds me of you.

it's such a time
as merry and dancing
and for feeling so far away.

it's funny how memories come up.
the strangest things
i instantly see your face.

i wonder is it keeping me?
can they feel it,
my lack of you?

holding me back?
only thing pushing me forward
you see, i drive for you

it's coming back

remember how i was perfectly okay a few weeks ago?

there was this thing about how

somehow things are better now

like how when i go back

they stay exactly the same

except everything is legal

(wow that sounds horrible.)

and we seem to actually have developed

a form of communication.

i hate how songs bring everything back to you

i hate how i can go look up something

and miss the very part of you that i totally hated,

just miss the reason to complain.

i hate how jealous i am of everyone still there

even though i know for sure i need to be here.

i hate that i want to tell you first

or i need to get your opinion

but one of us is busy.

i hate how i'm not allowed to cry anymore

because i'm not in "the room".

i hate how i'm crying now.

"but the only thing i really miss is being the first one you see

when morning opens up the skies

you see me when daylight opens up your eyes."

our almost-secret-signal

sometimes always
you instinctually knew something was wrong
(or something was insanely,
perfectly right)
and in that
almost-secret-signal
way,
you'd grab my wrist -
never my hand
(and occasionally you didn't let go
until you knew
i got your message,
but normally it was more of
an endearing, loving squeeze).
i attempted to learn that esp too,
our infallible,
perfect
"wrist thing".
and even now
if i close my eyes and try hard enough
i can still feel you squeezing,
never letting go.

College?!

the dorm room
my body tightens up, twists, refuses
this space is much too small
squeezed, smushed, shocked.
how could I have refused to remember it
this way?
why did I imagine such a large
expanse of freedom?
I relax
breathe in, breathe out
I don't remember
all the shelving units
all the room for all my stuff
all the expansiveness
how this one tiny space
can contain my entire life.

i miss you by miley cyrus
i used to call you my angel
and now that holy presence
is totally lacking
i feel slightly lost

i feel free
i am able to live the way i want
and you,
you are still there
we exist now,
as two separate beings
who are innately,
totally, inexplicably,
still one.

i know
(written in the style of sonya sones)
i know exactly what you are doing
(well, maybe not exactly)
but you're probably walking into your classroom
and wondering where the other resident is
or you're not wondering
because you don't want to acknowledge it.
i realize this is typical,
and i kind-of chuckle to myself.
at least things are going as planned,
even if we're not doing them together.

i know, part 2
i know
you.
i know, you read everything i send
i know, your world is really small now
i know, both our worlds can contract
and expand at the same time.
i know
we're going to grow
i know
we're not going to get lost
i know, we're going to be fine.
i know, i am happy.