it's coming back

remember how i was perfectly okay a few weeks ago?

there was this thing about how

somehow things are better now

like how when i go back

they stay exactly the same

except everything is legal

(wow that sounds horrible.)

and we seem to actually have developed

a form of communication.

i hate how songs bring everything back to you

i hate how i can go look up something

and miss the very part of you that i totally hated,

just miss the reason to complain.

i hate how jealous i am of everyone still there

even though i know for sure i need to be here.

i hate that i want to tell you first

or i need to get your opinion

but one of us is busy.

i hate how i'm not allowed to cry anymore

because i'm not in "the room".

i hate how i'm crying now.

"but the only thing i really miss is being the first one you see

when morning opens up the skies

you see me when daylight opens up your eyes."

our almost-secret-signal

sometimes always
you instinctually knew something was wrong
(or something was insanely,
perfectly right)
and in that
almost-secret-signal
way,
you'd grab my wrist -
never my hand
(and occasionally you didn't let go
until you knew
i got your message,
but normally it was more of
an endearing, loving squeeze).
i attempted to learn that esp too,
our infallible,
perfect
"wrist thing".
and even now
if i close my eyes and try hard enough
i can still feel you squeezing,
never letting go.

College?!

the dorm room
my body tightens up, twists, refuses
this space is much too small
squeezed, smushed, shocked.
how could I have refused to remember it
this way?
why did I imagine such a large
expanse of freedom?
I relax
breathe in, breathe out
I don't remember
all the shelving units
all the room for all my stuff
all the expansiveness
how this one tiny space
can contain my entire life.

i miss you by miley cyrus
i used to call you my angel
and now that holy presence
is totally lacking
i feel slightly lost

i feel free
i am able to live the way i want
and you,
you are still there
we exist now,
as two separate beings
who are innately,
totally, inexplicably,
still one.

i know
(written in the style of sonya sones)
i know exactly what you are doing
(well, maybe not exactly)
but you're probably walking into your classroom
and wondering where the other resident is
or you're not wondering
because you don't want to acknowledge it.
i realize this is typical,
and i kind-of chuckle to myself.
at least things are going as planned,
even if we're not doing them together.

i know, part 2
i know
you.
i know, you read everything i send
i know, your world is really small now
i know, both our worlds can contract
and expand at the same time.
i know
we're going to grow
i know
we're not going to get lost
i know, we're going to be fine.
i know, i am happy.

Stars

the stars, they shine
when you reach out
and try to kiss the stars
who do you remember?

Sometimes I Miss You

missed
you are the one person
who gets this pounding
and argh!
i'm forced to make myself think but i have
zero
inspiration
for
anything
right
now
except
sigh.
lalalala
okay, so you're the only person who understands me
(*at this moment()
and i think maybe you're
just a little bit
too far away
for me to handle
and i worry
what does college mean?

lovely night
whooooooooooooooooooooooooo
caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw
silence
ouch
she wakes up with a chip in her shoulder
i'msorryitsnotmyfault
dolls aren't supposed to sleep with humans but
we're different and nobody cares until
owican'tgetthisshouldertocrack
ouch.
i settle into the covers
i whistle like the whooooooooooooooooooooo's even though we don't hear them
aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
last night i figured out
that maybe we have something in common
maybe i don't need to replace you because
see that little place in my chest(it's called a heart)
it keeps e x p a n d i n g
and so there's room for both of you
even though samantha
and hope,
they hide behind the penguins so
sleeping there doesn't hurt anyone.
but me, i've got this thing
if i'm not close enough to the people i love
sometimes i forget they are there.

run
suddenly i'm taken over
by this monster who's attacking
and he's racing for my body
but i've got the human instinct
i know i have to run away
but then he just stops
suddenly
and i know
he's just, just...
edward

happy holidays
"so what if i've been a little on the anemic side these past weeks?
so what if i'm dizzy, got a little lightheadedness?"
i'm not really,
dizzy,
not physically,
just mentally
just so many changes
in so few minutes
and it's overtaken me
we went from moulin rouge
to guys and dolls
and from me and sierra
to frankie and emily
and now to kit and kat
and tho i love francie and em
and kit-kat are tolerable
am i still
going to be
who i am?
am i still
going to be...
i'm afraid to say it.
if i'm the pet student,
i'll lose it.
if something happens,
i'm over.
at the beginning of summer i asked all these questions,
like would i be able to cope with your changes
and right now,
the answer
is
a
big
fat
resounding
no
and i fall
into your body
and you hug me
and you tell me everything is going to be
fine
you still love me
things
have
just
gotten
complicated

Your Birthday

it's the same as Samantha's.
so in this dream i had,
i was telling people about that,
and you got all mad -
not scary mad, like before -
just funky mad.
it was more like the principal didn't want this spread around
and i don't know why
but we both know you and you have to follow rules.
so,
i got a two-week detention
and i couldn't eat lunch with you
and you wouldn't let me in the classroom
and everyone was laughing
but you forgave me
because that's what you do.
so forgive me
and remind me to forgive myself.